Nurture — Day 11

Prompt: Describe a moment when you felt truly grateful for something in your life. What was it, and why did it mean so much to you?

There have been many moments in my life when I felt gratitude for something or someone. I tend to live my daily life in such a way that I alternate between moments of gratitude and its absence: selfishness, impatience, and woe-is-me. Something as simple as waking up with less pain than I had going to sleep sparks gratitude in me; the rarity of this happening makes it all more…visceral…and “real” for me.

I’ve spent considerable time learning to feel, analyze, and adjust how I respond to what many would consider inconveniences. I’ve had to learn to allow myself the space and time to react honestly when I suffer a sudden seizure fugue state, debilitating cramp in my hands or feet, or flare-up in joint pain. It’s difficult feeling any gratitude in those situations. It’s near impossible. But…I’ve found that after I’ve adjusted to the pain, after I’ve returned from the fugue state, after I’ve treated what I can with what I have…after all of this, I can feel a sense of gratitude for it not being worse. I can compare my present to past events, when I didn’t have these tools at hand, and find gratitude for having those tools in the present.

I’m a huge proponent of living in the present, while honouring the lessons of one’s past, and preparing oneself for possible future(s) events. I spent a great amount of time living in the past when I began my healing journey some 30 years ago. It took years of listening to those I trusted with my health, applying the tools that they showed me, and then living those tools for me to develop the sense of being in the present that I now have. Back then, my present was a catastrophic mess and I didn’t see much of a future; living in the past seemed the only other option. I learned that while I absolutely needed to honour my past traumas and their effect on me, I didn’t have to let them guide my present. I am grateful, every day, for having learned this.

Etymologists have linked gratitude to other words sharing a common root which is traced to proto-Indo-European terms for “to favour”. For me, this means that I express thankfulness for the gift of knowledge, experience, time, or person by living (as much as I can) from a place of gratitude. This doesn’t mean that I spend my day being grateful for everything that happens. Not at all. Being truly grateful for everything would be disingenuous as it averages the intrinsic value that we all place on aspects of our lives, assigning the same value to all. Instead, I react with honest gratitude to those elements of my life that I am truly thankful for. I’m thankful on a daily basis for my chosen family, the love of knowledge and art that Marm passed on to me, the therapists I’ve met over the years, and the tools that they showed me how to use. I wouldn’t be capable of gratitude were it not for them.

What are you grateful for, Gentle Reader? Are there persons or influences you’d like to thank? Let me know in the comments below.

As always, be well,

Gryph