Nurture — Day 17
Prompt: “Tell the story of a place that holds special meaning to you. What memories do you associate with it, and why is it important to you?
This one stumped me for quite some time. At first, I thought my inability to pinpoint a place was the result of having lived in so many locations in Canada. Where others may have moved several times in their childhood, I spent the majority of my pre-adult years at the same address. However, as an adult, I’ve lived in well over a dozen cities, numbering well over two dozen addresses, in four provinces. In the past 25 years alone, I’ve had 7 addresses in the same region. But…in my almost 40 years as an adult—living independently—it wasn’t until my husband and I were invited to live at our current address that we felt we had found a home. Finding, and making, a home has been very much like finding the proverbial needle in a haystack…made of hay and other needles.
Of course, my mind immediately went in the opposite direction. Maybe I couldn’t identify a special place because of a scarcity. I thought it entirely possible that I had missed opportunities along the way to find meaning in places I’ve been. Except, I haven’t. While living in Jasper (AB), in the late 80s, I absolutely loved the village-esque (?) qualities that it had—the tiny footprint that it made in the larger National Park, nestled in the midst of arboreal forest, and never being more than a 15 min walking distance from primal Nature. I also have fond memories of Vancouver (BC) and the Greater Toronto Area (ON)—the gay villages in both cities, my favourite coffee-shops, and the feeling of not being the Other in this enclave. I’ve even found similar spots in the area that we finally call home, out here in Maritime Canada. The one quality in all these locations that made something special has always been not feeling othered. Unfortunately, that feeling is very scarce in our modern society.
As someone that has been openly gay since I was 14, and has been equally as willing to be open about my various disabilities, I find that I still feel othered. Much like my two paintings below, I’ve found myself looking for a lighthouse (to act as a beacon), only to discover a lonely shack with no obvious purpose and very little protection.
“Lighthouse”
We all look for beacons, touchstones, way-markers…lighthouses to guide us, to show us the “correct” path, to let us know that we’re going in the right direction. Very rarely, is the lighthouse our final destination; rather, we tend to see them a rest-stops where we can refuel our energy, take a much-needed break, and plan our next moves…before venturing onward, hoping for another lighthouse to guide us.
Why do we do this?
“Lonely Shack in Rose of Ultramarine”
More often than not, when we finally reach our final destination, we find a “lonely shack”, seemingly abandoned, barely useful as a shelter. All the promise that seemed “sure”, while traveling from lighthouse to lighthouse, vanishes with the enormity of both the emptiness surrounding this shack and the effort that will be required to make it…more.
What guarantee do we have that all our effort will be rewarded with something closer to what we envisioned?
It’s only when I started to focus on the two questions above, that I started to re-evaluate my Path:
“Why do we do this?” — treat beacons like rest-stops.
“What guarantee do we have that all our effort will be rewarded with something closer to what we envisioned?”
What would happen if I made the decision to be a Keeper of the Lighthouse? What if I stopped moving from one beacon to another, not knowing whether I’d discover a mansion or a shack at the end of my travels? Sure…I’m giving up on the potential of a mansion, but…I’m also acknowledging that who I am doesn’t currently have the tools to make something “more” of a potential shack. Maybe, in becoming the Keeper—”Pathlewkrāʿī” :[pað.ˈlɛwk.raːʕiː] IPA, in BardScriban—I can find both a place to rest and my actual Path.
I’m reminded of the last episode of Star Trek: Voyager, when Ens. Kim states words to the effect that “maybe it's not the destination that matters. Maybe it's the journey.” I know this is certainly true of my own journey. The experiences I’ve had, the connections I’ve made, and the relationships I’ve shared with other persons have always been more important than any single location. So…to answer the prompt, there really isn’t a specific place that holds more importance for me. I’m beginning to realize, and absorb on a deeper level, that in accepting my Path as “Pathlewkrāʿī”, I must also accept that I can carry my own Lighthouse with me at all times. Oddly enough, I wrote about this very experience some time ago and shared it in another blog post back in April.
I’ve been discovering a number of “full circle moments” lately. It shouldn’t surprise me. The realization that I can be a Keeper, carry my own Lighthouse within, and be open to the possibility of being a rest-spot (respite) for others is both exciting and deeply humbling.
Now it’s your turn, Gentle Reader. Do you have a special place, deeply connected to memories and emotions? What lighthouses have you found along the way? Or, are you excited about the possibility of transforming a “shack” as your destination? Please share with me in the comments below!
As aways, be well Gentle Reader,
